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ithika[2005-Ghan: I don't even know if this is my first Deadjournal entry. It doesn't really seem to be. Fah!]
I dunno why I'm sooo excited
I agree with wibblewoman on her COS list.
Yeah
and CT IS CRAP.
Wee
ticket prices
----------
CARING FOR YOUR LLAMA
Now. You may be thinking ?But? I haven?t GOT a Llama? L?.
That?s not important. You?re just wrong.
We all have a Llama living with us, be it in our hearts and minds, or in our furniture and ceilings.
Now. This llama is not to be taken for granted, even if it is there 24/7, always has been and unconditionally always will be.
Like everything else, your Llama deserves respect, and needs frequent servicing.
Llamas
aren?t just under-appreciated beasts of burden from the South American
region, oh, no. They are technical and complicated flying mechanisms
which have a high maintenance requirement. Don?t look at me like that ?
I?m not joking. Now. If you cannot see your llama, this means you have
to lure it out. Don?t do anything stupid like calling out ?here llama
llama llama!?, Because that?s just stupid, and Llama?s aren?t.
What
you must do is find some premium-quality grass, harvested at the last
full moon and kept in water from the pool beneath a waterfall in the
middle of an ancient oak forest in Britain. This may all seem a bit
extravagant, which it is, but Llamas are fickle creatures, and very
fussy. They won?t stand for all this nonsense about eating normal
grass, oh no.
This done, it should be relatively easy to lure out
the llama. Unless it lives in your brain. Which will lead to a messy
and uncomfortable situation for you in a few minutes.
Once the llama
has appeared, observe it quietly. If it appears to be a livid, glowing
green colour, don?t worry, it?s merely radioactive. The llama is not
ill, though you may soon be, depending on the age of the llama.
After
it finishes eating, the llama will look at you, and depending on
whether it?s ever seen you before, and how many times it?s been service
in it?s lifetime, it may or may not spontaneously combust.
If it does, calmly walk away, grab a fire Extinguisher, and put the llama out.
Not outside, stupid.
Put out the fire?
No, not with your hands!
Look, fire extinguisher, fire. THINK.
HONESTLY.
Well.
That done, you will notice that the llama remains unharmed. This is
either because you are not actually looking at a real llama and never
were, or because the llama actually isn?t harmed.
Fascinating creatures, llamas.
Anyway, now the llama will walk over to you. Pat it on the nose.
It will latch on to your arm, with it?s teeth.
This will hurt.
A lot.
Don?t scream.
The llama will hurt it?s ears.
Instead,
grab, with your free hand your premium, A-grade Llama Polish, and
proceed to polish the llama until it?s nice and shiny.
If you don?t have Premium A-grade Llama Polish, the llama will eat you, and you will die.
Sorry.
If
all things work out, you will, at the end of it all, have one perfectly
functioning, shiny llama, which will then fly away (in a perfectly
straight line), never to be seen again.
With your arm.
Sorry about that.
It?ll grow back.
I dunno why I'm sooo excited
I agree with wibblewoman on her COS list.
Yeah
and CT IS CRAP.
Wee
ticket prices
----------
CARING FOR YOUR LLAMA
Now. You may be thinking ?But? I haven?t GOT a Llama? L?.
That?s not important. You?re just wrong.
We all have a Llama living with us, be it in our hearts and minds, or in our furniture and ceilings.
Now. This llama is not to be taken for granted, even if it is there 24/7, always has been and unconditionally always will be.
Like everything else, your Llama deserves respect, and needs frequent servicing.
Llamas
aren?t just under-appreciated beasts of burden from the South American
region, oh, no. They are technical and complicated flying mechanisms
which have a high maintenance requirement. Don?t look at me like that ?
I?m not joking. Now. If you cannot see your llama, this means you have
to lure it out. Don?t do anything stupid like calling out ?here llama
llama llama!?, Because that?s just stupid, and Llama?s aren?t.
What
you must do is find some premium-quality grass, harvested at the last
full moon and kept in water from the pool beneath a waterfall in the
middle of an ancient oak forest in Britain. This may all seem a bit
extravagant, which it is, but Llamas are fickle creatures, and very
fussy. They won?t stand for all this nonsense about eating normal
grass, oh no.
This done, it should be relatively easy to lure out
the llama. Unless it lives in your brain. Which will lead to a messy
and uncomfortable situation for you in a few minutes.
Once the llama
has appeared, observe it quietly. If it appears to be a livid, glowing
green colour, don?t worry, it?s merely radioactive. The llama is not
ill, though you may soon be, depending on the age of the llama.
After
it finishes eating, the llama will look at you, and depending on
whether it?s ever seen you before, and how many times it?s been service
in it?s lifetime, it may or may not spontaneously combust.
If it does, calmly walk away, grab a fire Extinguisher, and put the llama out.
Not outside, stupid.
Put out the fire?
No, not with your hands!
Look, fire extinguisher, fire. THINK.
HONESTLY.
Well.
That done, you will notice that the llama remains unharmed. This is
either because you are not actually looking at a real llama and never
were, or because the llama actually isn?t harmed.
Fascinating creatures, llamas.
Anyway, now the llama will walk over to you. Pat it on the nose.
It will latch on to your arm, with it?s teeth.
This will hurt.
A lot.
Don?t scream.
The llama will hurt it?s ears.
Instead,
grab, with your free hand your premium, A-grade Llama Polish, and
proceed to polish the llama until it?s nice and shiny.
If you don?t have Premium A-grade Llama Polish, the llama will eat you, and you will die.
Sorry.
If
all things work out, you will, at the end of it all, have one perfectly
functioning, shiny llama, which will then fly away (in a perfectly
straight line), never to be seen again.
With your arm.
Sorry about that.
It?ll grow back.